Wow. Wow is all I have to say. Some people believe that Batman & Robin is the worst superhero movie ever made, but I disagree. This takes the cake. I mean, just after telling you the plot, you'll probably never ever EVER want to see this movie. I really don't want anyone who hasn't even heard of it to just avoid it. If it's a dare, don't accept. Let's dive into crap and review this movie.
Plot, oh boy:
Clark Kent returns to Smallville to make sure his home, which is abandoned since his earth-mother has died, is not sold. He goes into the barn where he first found out about the crystal that constructed his Fortress of Solitude and hears the voice of his mother who tells him he is now a citizen of Earth.
He returns to The Daily Planet to learn that his boss, Perry White, has been fired and that the editor of the Planet is now Lacy Warfield, daughter of the new owner, Mr. Warfield. Well, also Lex Luthor, and I don't know how they talked Gene Hackman back into the franchise, escapes from prison aided by his nephew Lenny, who you might recognize from Two and a Half Men.
He plans on mutating Superman by taking a strand of his hair, which conveniently happens to be in the Metropolis Museum, weirdly enough, and plans on creating an evil Superman. Superman, meanwhile, finds out that here in the Cold War, the Russians may attack America, so he plans on ridding the world of nuclear weapons by sending them all into the sun. That shows you just how outdated this film is.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, the movie continues because Lex happens to attach a sort of matrix that will create a nuclear being out of the missiles and throws it into the bunch that Superman throws into the sun. Nuclear Man is born. He flies back to Luthor, and it is revealed that Lex now has money and power and that Nuclear Man's powers will fade if he gets unblocked from the sun, his source of power.
While on a double date with Lois Lane and Lacy, Superman/Clark hears Lex Luthor say he has a bomb that will blow up the city, so he goes to find out what's up and meets Nuclear Man. Lex explains what happens, or rather Superman takes a lot of guesses and all of the being right happens to figure out how Nuclear Man is created.
So naturally the two super beings fight, ending with Superman being cut around his neck by Nuclear Man's fingernails. And naturally, he falls weak and stays at home for a while. And that's where the mythology of Superman is utterly betrayed by this cruddy movie. Only Kryptonite can weaken Superman and eventually kill him. So what, are Nuclear Man's fingernails empregnated with Kryptonite or something? Maybe Kryptonite from the sun. I don't know. This movie just sucks.
So Nuclear Man attacks the Daily Planet next because he...likes Lacy. Yeah, that's right. Superman gets his strength back and goes to defend his workplace, resulting in an overlonged and poorly staged fight that ends up on the moon. But eventually Nuclear Man is not able to absorb the sun and sort of goes to sleep. Superman takes him to a nuclear power plant and dumps him in where he explodes. But no, not a nuclear explosion, just a small one.
With this disaster over with, Perry White returns to the Daily Planet and takes it over. Lacy and Mr. Warfield are disposed of, sort of, I guess they just walk out, and with everything back in order, Superman goes to get Luthor. He drops Lenny off in Boys Town, yep, the Boys Town we know, and send Luthor back to prison. The movie ends with him saying, "See you in 20." Well, convinetly enough, Superman Returns was released in 2006, 19 years later. Maybe Luthor got out early on good behavior.
So now that's over with, let's grade this cruddy movie.
Acting: 3 out of 10. I don't think anybody's trying, except Christopher Reeve. It's sad that his last Superman movie was this one.
Entertainment: 1 out of 10. Absolutely dreadful.
Screenplay: 2 out of 10. Starts out average and just falls from there.
Directing: 0 out of 10. Was anyone even in charge?
Technical Credits: 1 out of 10. Looking just as cheap as ever.
Genre Fit: 4 out of 10. Well, Superman is in it, and it is a superhero movie, but superhero movies always come with a good story. This doesn't.
MPAA Rating: 5 out of 10. It's so soft it could have passed for a G.
Stupid Scenes: 0 out of 10. Don't even get me started.
Deeper Message: 2 out of 10. Talks a bit about where we belong and the outdated message of no nuclear wars kind of count.
Beginning: 14 out of 30. Not all that bad for a start.
Middle: 10 out of 30. Just gets worse.
Ending: 5 out of 30. Pitiful.
Final Rating: 47/180 or 26%. Unfortunately only a D, but I think if you're in the wrong mood, it's an absolute F. Stay away. Save yourself. Please.
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